That boy is not a hobby & that man is not your life!

P.R. This piece will not be blowing anyone's mind. In fact, this is for all my ladies out there who will be mouthing along while I talk. You already know! Sometimes reminders are cool. We're at 101, from the top. Laying the groundwork for a more interesting future conversation about the inner voyeur. XOXO, Abigail.

How did we get here? Two kind eyes, the right haircut, he’s smart, he’s curious. He’s quick with the bit you started. The whole world is brighter, hotter, better. Everyone is funnier, work is easier, the birds are chirping furiously at all hours. You’re feeling the rain on your skin - because, come to think of it - no one else can feel it for you. “At long last love has arrived, and I thank God I’m alive” (Frankie Valli).

Until his energy subsides a little.

You, the fully very cool person with a mostly healthy, adaptive, functional brain, are rewatching your own story post over 50 times before you post it, and sweating over the word order in his text messages. He asks to see you, and you move the city by bricks to accommodate his schedule. Sure, now works. Now always works. My sweet girl, it’s time for some breathing exercises.

Let’s be honest: of course you were placed on this earth to love & be loved. Duh. But let’s make damn sure we know what we mean by that. “Love,” here, in its most expansive form. Based on sovereignty, respect, trust, consideration, and consistency. Love keeps a neutral spine and a level gaze.

You were born to give freely from the bottom of your heart. To feel connected, present, and alive: states of being that are always available to you, a human birthright.

Things “love” is not: romantic necessarily. An excessive amount of work, though it may be challenging. Living half a life to earn sustained external attention - alienation for palatability.

You were made for much, much more. When you’re ready, let’s go get it together.

Change the narrative. What whispers from the mirror?

Limerence thrives on the uncertainty and sense of possibility. The cat and mouse game is very simple seduction science. You know this, you’re good at this - and while it’s fun, it’s very fun. You won’t notice it’s getting unfun until it’s very unfun.

Good news, though! The gatekeeper of your closure and clarity is you. No, you don’t need to go over there one more time. Don’t piss me off.

It’s time to kill the uncertainty and sense of possibility. I recommend a little targeted brutality here. He hasn’t replied in multiple days? Your nicest friends say: he’s just busy. Your kindest friends say: yeah, texting other people back. (Or a less SFW version.) Be kind, not nice. We have lives to live, here! Work to do, rain to feel on our skin!

The fantasy of his potential - or, worse, the fantasy of his approval - is a jail cell with closer and closer walls. That glittery mirage is no place to stake your life on. Gnaw off your leg, girl. Shift those thought patterns. Tell yourself some different stories, some better ones. (Better like better, not better like easier.)

This will suck and that’s okay. You’re disappointed, so feel disappointed! In your body. Like, actually feel it. Do not call him. Good. Now:

The objects of your [attention / desire / obsession - notice, I do not say love] are always mirrors, always. There is something in him, most definitely, that allegorically speaks to your inner landscape. You either see yourself in him, or a shadow part of yourself. A quality you value, or a quality you repress.

He’s dark, dangerous, life’s a huge mess? You may feel stifled or burnt out. He’s high-achieving and mission-focused? You may feel out of control in your own life. He’s uniquely kind, generous, loving? You probably strive to embody those things.

We’re hardly reading tea leaves here - this is very simple cause and effect logic. Or rather, effect and cause. Ask yourself: What are the holes in my life that need filling? (Fill ‘em!) What does this person or situation have to teach me about life, my values, myself? (Steal that! He didn’t invent being adventurous, responsible, honest, or kind. You can do that too.)

Chill girls don’t exist. Secure, self-actualized adults exist.

You are already as loveable as you’re ever going to be: infinitely and easily. As we know, love in all its forms is a state of relaxed alignment that flows from a human being’s true nature. You cannot possibly be chill enough to earn love - especially not if your method for getting there is brute force.

No, the goal is not some kind of TikTok pop-psych pursuit of “detachment.” You’re supposed to care. A lot. It’s supposed to matter to you, and in fact it’s supposed to hurt. The dynamism of your feeling heart is not an aspect of this life you want to lose.

You need to be a full person because you need to be a full person. Not because it will make it easier to deal with men. (It will also do that! But that’s, like, a fun bonus.) You were not born to be an excellent partner, you were born to be an excellent person who may in her lifetime be an excellent partner. That’s PEMDAS. You dig me yet?

Susan Sontag, 1972: “Women have another option. They can aspire to be wise, not merely nice; to be competent, not merely helpful; to be strong, not merely graceful; to be ambitious for themselves, not merely for themselves in relation to men and children... Instead of being girls, girls as long as possible who then age humiliatingly into middle-aged women and then obscenely into old women, they can become women much earlier - and remain active adults, enjoying the long, erotic career of which women are capable, far longer.”

Pull back to center. Root down. Develop an open, generalized curiosity - about the world, other people, yourself. Reconnect with your beliefs, vision, and preferences. Do as the Stoics and invest in your inner citadel. (Be the best mayor that citadel ever had. Build hella parks. I'm kidding.)

Think as big as possible about what you want and who you want to be. Big, like: I want to be kind, I want to do high-quality work, I want a family, I want to remain joyful through adversity. We are all channels for so much serendipity, possibility, and expansion. Specifics are fun - but also, often, limits in disguise.

Zoom out with an architect's eye. Actively design the direction, tools, environment, and energy that will lead you ever-forward. And then let go. You don't need a script, you need a theme. Identity shifts over micromanagement, rituals over routines. Et cetera.

These are observations expressed with a stylistic authority. I was once dust and to dust I am constantly returning. I don't know anything. But, please, with all my love: you deserve to squeeze all you can out of this orange. We don't have long.